Neurodivergent Parent in business 9/8-A Podcast
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[00:00:00] Hey friends. Welcome back to the Neuro Tribe. This is your host, Theresa Minnoch.
Yeah, I'm feeling spicy today. Hey, did you guys know that I have a private Facebook group that's just for you, neuro tribe folks, I would absolutely love to see all of your faces in there. Come join us, say hello. Introduce yourself and we would love to have you in the Neuro Tribe Facebook group.
This is a private group. There's a couple of questions you gotta ask. To get into the group and then Tila, it's free for you. I'd love to see you there. Now let's get into the meat of the subject.
Are you a neurodivergent parent in business and you have this belief system that you don't even realize that it's there, but you catch yourself just assuming. [00:01:00] Things are your fault, and the more you dig into it, the more you realize, wait a minute, this is actually happening in a lot of different areas of my life, this undercurrent belief system, it's my fault
this belief system, especially if you're late diagnosed, could come from the type of home situation growing up where you didn't know what your neural wiring was. You didn't really understand why you were experiencing life the way that you were experiencing it, and there was this low key, everything's your fault.
It could be that you had an environment where you were like. Something's not right here. I'm not sure what's going on. It doesn't feel good. My nervous system is stressed out, and I feel like everything is my fault all the time. It could be that you were the scapegoat of the [00:02:00] family. It could be that your wiring was not understood.
It could be that everything genuinely was blamed on you. And there also could be so many things that were playing in your life that you just didn't have any control over. And so you were made to apologize over things that you were not understanding what you did wrong, or you were made to apologize for things that you didn't have in your control.
It might have been that in school you could not sit still, or maybe you were daydreaming looking out the window and you were called on. You did not know what was going on and it was your fault. Right. I'm saying that not because it actually was, I'm saying that because that was the experience you grew up.
It could be that you maybe have a mix of neurotypical and neurodivergent people [00:03:00] in your household, and it just seems like everything was so much more easy for some of your family members and you really had this belief of, hang on. I think something's wrong with me 'cause everything seems to be my fault.
It's very, very confusing when you are blamed over and over and over again as a neurodivergent child and needing to apologize. Constantly and not really having the opposite of the strengths being pulled out and the things that you do well, and understanding and compassion for who you are and what you're experiencing in life.
As you grow up into relationships, it could be that you're apologizing constantly for things. It could be that you [00:04:00] pull in friends and or partners that are really ready to show you what you've done wrong and you find yourself apologizing and. You don't really feel like you did anything or you just assume that it's your fault.
Whatever happens, it is your fault, and you are not even realizing that you're accepting responsibility for things that maybe you didn't do or things that were out of your control or. You in the relationship are the one that's always apologizing, whereas the other one in the relationship is not even willing to self-reflect or take any responsibility.
It could be so common that you were misunderstood and your intentions were one way, and what other people. Understood was completely different of what you were thinking, feeling, intending, or your words was, were [00:05:00] misunderstood or you misunderstood other people or missed something in what they were saying.
And so there was just this baseline of, it's my fault, it's my fault because of this. It's my fault that I didn't understand. It's my fault that they didn't understand me. I must get better at communicating. I must have done something to upset them, to have them feel this way. All of the things and
you might figure out that you are the one that is assuming it is your fault when you apologize to running into a wall or you could. Start to identify when you are an it's my fault person. If you bump into a wall and apologize to the wall, if you are in public and someone bumps into you and you say, I am sorry.
It could be that [00:06:00] when in coaching or therapy, you're always assuming that in the situation. You were the main cause of the fault in the situation, or you just automatically assume that you have done something wrong in the situation so some of the things that you can do to start deconstructing this really old belief system that has been there for a long time, however it got there, is take a moment to pause.
Ask yourself, can I see the whole situation? Can I look at it from multiple different angles and ask myself, what is my responsibility and what parts of this are not my responsibility?
Ask yourself, what am I accepting blame [00:07:00] for? Why am I assuming that this blame is mine? These types of questions are very helpful to ask yourself to get to the bottom of the whole picture. Quite often when you are a It's my fault person, you're only looking at from the lens, from the view.
That you have done something wrong and it keeps you in that space and not open to seeing what else or how else the scenario could have been different. It also blinds you almost to having conversations with people to see if they are capable of self-reflection themselves. If you are having a conversation with someone and they accept no fault or no responsibility, or no [00:08:00] self-reflection at all, then this is definitely a person or a conversation that it's time to step out of.
It may be that they need time to process and regroup and have the conversation later. It may be that they are just not open and willing to self-reflect at all as a human being.
Some other questions that are really helpful to ask yourself is when the situation happened, what was I thinking at the time? What were my intentions at the time? How was I feeling at the time? And also what did I do specifically that feel like it is my fault and how do I feel when I feel like it's my fault?
It is very important to ask yourself these questions because if it is a shame-based feeling, and we're [00:09:00] not talking about doing some big, huge thing, right?. These are important questions to ask yourself because if it is a shame-based feeling, you more likely are into the belief system of it's my fault.
If it's a, oh, I feel bad 'cause I did X, Y, Z, and that hurt my person
or is it something like, oh my gosh, I forgot to put the groceries away. Now the ice cream melted on the kitchen counter. Now asking yourself, is this a shame-based feeling or a, I feel bad feeling?
Then you know, if it's a shame-based feeling, this is the old belief system. If it's, oh dang, oh my gosh, I forgot to put the ice cream away. Silly me. Or, oh man, I feel bad. I forgot to put the ice cream away. Now we can't have ice cream at family night. [00:10:00] Those are two very different reactions, feelings, and actions that would come from the It's my fault.
The other thing to look at when having this belief system is the word fault. It's very rare that something is at fault, and it usually doesn't do anyone any good to feel like they're at fault for something. That does not mean don't take responsibility for your actions. Those are two very different things.
When someone is at fault for something, they feel wrong. They feel that shame feeling. When someone takes responsibility for something, say leaving the ice cream out and having it melt in the kitchen, that's when you can come and, oh my gosh, I forgot to put the ice cream away. Holy cow. Now [00:11:00] I'm gonna clean it up and either I need to go back to the store and get some more ice cream or come up with a different dessert for family movie night tonight.
The other thing that it comes into play is the difference between fault and taking ownership, or responsibility of your actions is if you are saying, I am at fault. That ends there. It's just I'm at fault. If you're taking. Ownership and responsibility for your actions, then you are saying, okay, this is my part that I played in it.
I totally accept that responsibility. I self-reflected, I am now going to think about it, process it, and I will create change of how I can change things in a, in the future to not continue to repeat this. That gives you a very clear, cue as if [00:12:00] it's my fault. A lot of shame will come up. A lot of shame-based feelings will come up, and that could be a clear indication that it's an old belief system that's been there for a long time.
If it is. I take responsibility for my part in this situation. The, these are the things that I have identified. These are the ways that I'm going to change in the future so it doesn't happen again, or it reduces the risk of doing, repeating this thing. Then you are very clear. And your healing can begin to deconstruct this belief system that it's your fault.
And I am going to tell you right now, anything that has to do with a belief system is going to take time and work and celebrating those little key progresses can help you. Can help you. [00:13:00] It could be that at this time you're just aware, you start to become aware of. Oh, I did it again. Oh, I apologized to a chair.
It could be that someone hits you with their car and you get out of the car and for the first time you don't apologize for someone else doing something to you. This first part of being aware is so powerful. Then the next step is taking a pause and asking yourself. What do I accept for blame here? Why am I assuming it's my fault?
Is the other side willing to or open to having a conversation to resolve this with the intention of resolving this? That means both sides or all parties take. Self responsibility. They own their actions in the situation. Can I look at this [00:14:00] situation as a whole and not be funneled into what reasons it's my fault?
Can, am I coming from a place of shame or am I coming from a place of, oops, hang on. Let's do that again. I would like to take this and learn from it and build a system so I don't repeat this. Very, very different experiences. What was I thinking when the ha the situation happened? What were my intentions?
What did I do? In the situation that maybe was my responsibility and what else happened that was not my responsibility.
These are some tools that you can use starting right now, starting today to get yourself out of the old belief system. It's my fault. I love you all. Take care. Bye-bye.
[00:15:00] Hey friends, thank you so much for joining me today. If you got an aha moment. I would absolutely love to hear from you. Please like, subscribe, comment, and share. If you want to be part of an amazing group of neurodivergent human beings and share some of the love and the magic in a community where you belong, that's safe and nonjudgmental, click the link below and join our neuro Tribe community today.
Love you all. Take care. Bye.
