Succesful, tired - PODCAST
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[00:00:00] I have a question. Do you have a schedule and you would completely fall apart without your schedule?
Do you have systems to help with your systems, to help with your systems, to make sure you are always on point, doing the things and you never forget anything and you're always on time to turn all of your projects in and make sure that you are always responding when you need to?
And there's alarms going off.
There is reminders going off.
And you have a schedule for yourself and each family member.
And then you have a schedule to adjoining.
Everything's color coded.
You've got it.
You are totally perfect, have everything scheduled out, and all of the systems in place, and all of the scheduling is done [00:01:00] except for you're exhausted.
And you feel like you're tense all the time and you're overwhelmed most of the time.
And while you're probably the life of the party and you have such a great time when you're with people, you notice that most of the people that you work with, whether they're contractors or peers at work, or people that you have as clients, you notice that you have to have a drink in order to have the fun thing happen, to have your fun self come out, to be the life of the party.
You notice that that takes you to loosen up and have a good time means a couple of drinks or maybe some chocolate, or maybe both.
It could be my friend that you are a highly [00:02:00] masking individual.
Maybe you are undiagnosed, and this is like: "oh wait, this actually sounds a lot like me."
Hang on. What does that mean: "masking."
What does "neurodivergent" mean?
Or maybe you are already diagnosed and you live this way because you have not had support up until now.
Look friend, you are smart.
You're really smart.
You tend to catch on to things that other people maybe haven't caught on to yet.
Maybe you are able to see things that other people can't.
Maybe you excel in certain things, but you don't give yourself credit for it because you're so focused on the challenges that you have.
You're so focused on the fact that it took you longer to do this project than it did other people because you had to read it three times.
Or maybe [00:03:00] you feel great at work, but when you're not working, you're not feeling so great.
Maybe you've got some health problems.
Maybe your mind isn't very nice to you when you're not working.
So it's almost like you'd rather work than be quiet, right?
This is not because you're broken.
This is not your fault.
This has to do with masking and how we overcompensate for the challenges that we tend to face in life.
And with that, over compensation, we have a tendency to overachieve.
We have a tendency to be overcompensating adults.
And what this means is we work hard in every aspect of all of our life and sometimes we let the ball drop here and there.
But when we do, we beat ourselves up for it. Major.
It could be that [00:04:00] you think beforehand and you overthink about interactions that you had socially before you have them.
Like you're thinking of the people that you're gonna talk to and what you're gonna say and how you're gonna say it and how it's gonna come off and make sure that you are still liked after the interaction.
It could be that you don't think at all when you have interactions with people, but then afterwards you go into this ruminating, circling thought process of: "What did they think I mean by that?"
And: "How did they feel by that?"
And: "Oh my gosh, did I look like an idiot?"
"Did I say the right thing?"
"Do they still like me?"
"Maybe they're mad at me."
And it might be that all of these things are absolutely exhausting for you.
You have this level of success.
You should be happy with the level of success that you have, but you don't feel successful.[00:05:00]
And even though you are smart and you've gotten to where you are right now, you don't give yourself credit for being smart because when you're not in your zone of excellence...
thank you Gay Hendricks for that word...
you are spending so much time thinking about all of the things that you haven't done, that you didn't do, and the ways that you lack.
I'm gonna give you a couple of suggestions right now.
Number one, if this rings true, it may be that you are neurodivergent.
It may be that you're highly masking and you don't even know that you're neurodivergent. You don't even know that you're masking.
It could be that you know that you're neurodivergent.
But you don't quite know what that means for you.
Or you do know that you're neurodivergent and also you haven't been getting the proper support that you need.
But let's talk about that for a moment. Let's talk about how easy it is for people to [00:06:00] say, "just love yourself a little bit more."
"Give yourself grace."
When you are in a repetitive manner of life and your brain is always offering you how much you didn't do, where you screwed up, what you should have done better, what you could be, what is the next goalpost that you wanna get to and not appreciating where you are right now...
This is common with us neurodivergent folks. Okay.
So it's not that you mean to do things and this is the way it will be for the rest of your life.
But it could be that you grew up in a system where things were challenging for you and you had to figure it out.
You had to build those systems to survive.
You had to white knuckle it through to get through to success.
Because things were challenging for you, you had to work harder than your peers.
And [00:07:00] therefore, your nervous system is so ready to work harder than your peers that you don't even think to stop and appreciate what you have done.
You don't even think to stop and rest and have a good time.
And if you were to stop and rest and have a good time, maybe you're so not used to it that you feel anxious and antsy when you try to stop and rest to have a good time, right?
Maybe it is that you are afraid that if you don't go out and have a couple of drinks with your friends and you go out and do something without the drinks, that you are not gonna be fun anymore.
Maybe you're not gonna be the life of the party.
Maybe you're not gonna even like them very much.
Because are you going to like them very much or are they gonna like you?
Are they going to consider you a friend still?
These are all things that if you are thinking these thoughts, if you are experiencing this, you are a highly masked [00:08:00] individual.
It's okay to start peeling apart those layers of mask and get to your inner core of who is authentically you.
This is the very thing that we talk about in the NeuroTribe.
Whether you are 30 and older and wanna join the NeuroTribe, or maybe you're in your twenties and the NeuroTribe Twenties Launchpad is a better fit for you 'cause you wanna be hanging out with other neurodivergents that are in the same age range and going through the same things.
Or maybe you are a parent and you are thinking about all of these things that I'm saying and you're thinking: "I think that my teenager could really use this. My teenager could really learn how to stop getting overwhelmed every day and really learn to enjoy life a little bit more." Right?
These are all things that are available to you with the NeuroTribe [00:09:00] Method. So I would love to see you in the Neuro Tribe Method.
Here are a few tips for you.
If you notice yourself beating yourself up, which we often do...
and maybe it's going on in the background and we don't even know it's going on in the background.
But if you start to notice yourself getting really tense or your, maybe your jaw is clenching or maybe your back is really sore or tight, or your shoulders feel really sore and tight and you notice that you're trying to massage out these knots.
Stop and take a deep breath and ask yourself, "What was I just thinking right now?"
And if it was in fact you beating yourself up or telling yourself how you should have done this or should have done that...
Maybe it's that you are going down your to-do list and you're telling yourself you're so far behind... you're behind all the time, and you never can catch up.[00:10:00]
Maybe that's the time where you stop.
Take a deep breath.
And start thinking of things that you have done today or things that you have done this week or ways that you have done well.
This can be hard.
It can be really hard for some of us.
I know myself, and I've had other clients, that when we begin to do this work, it's almost like we cannot figure out what we do good, what we do right.
And so if it takes you a moment to think about it or you need to even just stop and take a deep breath and put your hand on your chest and you can't think of anything, that's okay.
You're still in the beginning processes.
And what I encourage you to do is if you can think of something, grab your phone and put it in the notes.
Or maybe text it to yourself or email yourself the [00:11:00] things that you did right today.
You can also start a list. It's kind of like the opposite of a to-do list, but a list of the things that you did today, the things that you did right, the things that you accomplished and the things that you were able to take off of your to-do list.
And then ask yourself, "Is there anything that I can take off the to-do list?"
"Is there any way that I can delegate something that's duplicable?
For instance, I have successful people that I work with and they are so overwhelmed and so stressed out, and they're doing all of the things, the cooking, the cleaning, the this, the that.
And simply giving lunch money to the kids or hiring a housekeeper can be lifesaving.
It might be that you need to hire somebody to do the lawn for a [00:12:00] while.
Taking those things off of your plate if they're not fun to you or enjoyable, or you don't get that spark of, "Hey, that felt good!"
Or, "I had fun doing that," and it's duplicable.
Why not delegate it? Right?
Maybe it's that it is time to take a deep breath and ask your body to relax and focus on one body part at a time to relax.
It could be your shoulders.
Or maybe your shoulders have been tight for so long that you can't figure out how to get them to relax, but maybe you notice that your glutes are tense.
So can you get your glutes to relax?
Or maybe it is that you hold your fingers tense.
Can you get your fingers to relax?
So finding and focusing on a body part to relax can be so helpful.
It also could be that giving yourself [00:13:00] that time before bed every single night to think of one thing that you did good that day, or one thing that you're grateful for that day.
As you go on with this, you will probably notice that you can add to the list, but if you're in the beginning stages of this, it's okay to just think of one thing.
It may be that you're so used to working and you work so many hours that when you're not at work, your mind is not nice to you and you really don't have that much fun.
So that is when you start going out and trying things that you find enjoyable.
Say you like a quiet place.
And so doing something like a ceramics class might be fun, or going and learning how to knit or taking a painting class or a photography class.
Maybe it is that you don't like being around a lot of people, but you wanna learn to [00:14:00] sail.
Joining a sailing club where you're around people to learn, and then you usually go off and do your own thing with maybe only one tutor or one teacher.
It could be that you feel frustrated most days, overwhelmed, frustrated, maybe resentful because you work so hard and you don't give yourself credit for it.
It's kind of built up.
So something like an ax throwing place might be fun to you.
Now let's get back to the schedule.
You have your schedule and it is so over packed.
Taking a look at your schedule and seeing, is there anything that I can take off of this schedule?
Is there a partner that you can add some of the things to their schedule that you are doing now, but don't prefer?
Maybe it is that you're spending an hour twice a week on grocery [00:15:00] shopping and having somebody deliver those groceries not only saves you money, 'cause you're not going into the store and buying all of those oops things anyways.
Or, maybe it just takes that load off of you and that is okay.
Ask yourself what is on your schedule and what do you not prefer that's on your schedule.
Maybe you don't prefer going to networking meetings.
That's okay.
Maybe it is that you don't prefer going to loud, busy places.
It takes up a lot of your energy.
Instead of meeting your friends at a loud, busy place, you ask them, "Hey, do you wanna come over?"
Or, "Hey, do you wanna go to this bistro that I know of?" And it's a quieter place for you.
And so it doesn't soak up so much of your energy in your schedule.
And those systems, congratulations that you have systems that work for you.
[00:16:00] You learned them.
There are so many of us that are out there that haven't learned those systems and are working really hard to put those systems in place.
The only thing that I want to help reframe or shift for you is the idea that if one thing goes missing or you make one mistake, everything's falling apart.
Those systems are there to help you, to guide you, to help you with your challenges, and you made them for a reason.
That is wonderful.
Are you giving yourself days where you don't need the system?
Are you giving yourself one, maybe two days a week where you don't have to pay attention to those systems?
Those mental and physical breaks really can make life easier and it can make life more enjoyable.
Thank you so much.
I love you [00:17:00] all.
Have a good week.
Talk to you later. Bye.
Hey friends, thank you so much for joining me today. If you got an aha moment. I would absolutely love to hear from you. Please like, subscribe, comment, and share. If you want to be part of an amazing group of neurodivergent human beings and share some of the love and the magic in a community where you belong, that's safe and nonjudgmental, click the link below and join our neuro Tribe community today.
Love you all. Take care. Bye.
