Hyperfixation in relationships - Paula Edits
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Welcome back to the Neuro Tribe, A place where you belong, nonjudgmental, and safe to talk about all things neurodivergent.
Okay, now here's the YouTube part.
Have you ever met someone and got incredibly curious, so curious that you want to know all the things about them.
You want to hear their life story.
You want to ask them questions.
You want to figure out what their favorite things are.
You want to know their dreams and goals and all the things.
It's so interesting because some of us neurodivergent folks, we can get hyper fixated on relationships, whether it's a friendship or romantic, whatever it may be.
You feel so curious about this person and almost lit [00:01:00] up by bonding with the person and having these intimate conversations with the person.
What can happen is, along the way, we can realize that the bonding isn't happening mutually.
The person isn't asking those deep questions for you.
They are sharing with themselves. Maybe they are excited to have someone so interested in them, and that makes them feel very special in some way, but they are not giving you the same level of interest and investment.
So while you are hyper fixated on getting to know them and all of the things about them...
You start to notice after a while [00:02:00] you're left maybe depleted or the excitement is starting to simmer down and you're noticing they're not asking you as deep of questions.
They are not getting as deep with you.
Because we are so invested in them and they are not as invested in us, and we are hyper fixating on the relationship...
What we can do to ourselves is we can start to neglect our own needs.
Here are some signs that you are hyper fixated on a relationship:
You may be staying up really late texting or talking on the phone, or getting together with them in person at the expense of your sleep.
Maybe you are [00:03:00] texting them while you're at work at the expense of your work.
Or you find yourself consistently daydreaming about them, thinking about them and not being present for yourself in your daily life.
It could be that you miss red flags because you are so interested in the connection and interested in the bond and getting to know this person.
You're not checking in with how you are feeling,
how you are doing in the inside,
how different situations and conversations transpire.
It can be leaving you at a short social battery, or maybe even feeling fatigued or mildly burnt out.
Maybe you're getting dysregulated because you're not taking care of your own [00:04:00] needs because you're focused more on this relationship.
You feel emotionally drained but excited, maybe fatigued or overstimulated.
Maybe you feel dysregulated, but you are not cueing in to the dysregulation.
What you're noticing is getting more frustrated at things than maybe you normally would or you have a shorter tolerance for people in your life.
You are giving a lot of time and attention to this other person and to the bonding in this relationship, and not really checking in to see if it's evenly matched.
You know what the hardest thing about that is?
You don't realize it because you are feeling excited and engaged and alive because of this [00:05:00] new relationship.
What this can teach the other person is that you don't have to have them match your energy.
You are gonna carry the weights of the relationship.
You are teaching the person how to treat you and what your place in that relationship is.
Might not know that that's what you're doing, but it can set yourself up for unmatched relationships or relationships that are not reciprocal.
What that does is it opens the doors to an imbalance in the relationship.
A relationship that is not a give and take.
It's more giving than taking.
And this is totally unintentional.
In fact, most of the time we will be in relationships and not even [00:06:00] realize,
"Wait a minute. It's been a while and they don't know this about me?"
"Wait a minute. It's been a while and they haven't figured that out?"
Or, "Wait a minute, it's been a while, and gosh, I'm tired."
"Why am I tired? Why do I feel like I'm burning out here?"
It can be that you don't even realize part of the reason you are teetering on burnout is because you're giving so much and carrying the weight of this new relationship in your hyper fixation.
Maybe you're coming out of the hyper fixation and it's hitting you that:
"Wait a minute. I don't know if this is actually my person."
Because you were so excited about the bond initially and that hyper fixation set in, now it's kind of coming out and you're realizing,
"Wait a minute, I don't know.
I [00:07:00] feel like I may be giving more here then than I am getting, and now I just feel like I'm a little bit devalued."
And what can happen is you didn't even realize that you were hyper fixated.
You didn't even realize that you were giving more than you were getting until you're past the point and you're physically and emotionally feeling that loss.
The most important things that you can do for yourself if you know that this is a pattern that you have had in the past is continually check in on yourself.
It doesn't mean that you can't have good, healthy balanced relationships.
It just means that you're aware that you have done this in the past, and to help yourself come out of that pattern is check in with yourself.
Ask yourself, [00:08:00] "have I been drinking enough water today?"
"Have I gone to bed early this week?"
"Have I eaten enough?"
"Have I been taking care of my own needs?" whether they be basic needs or mental and emotional needs.
Have you checked in with yourself and your social battery to see:
Do you need some downtime?
Do you need maybe a night in where you are just relaxing and taking care of yourself and having some quiet time?
Are you giving yourself time to do self-reflection or journaling or reading a book that you know is good for your soul?
Are you checking in to see if your mental and emotional needs are being met?
Checking in with yourself to see if you are [00:09:00] prioritizing their needs over your own?
What you can do, what is so healthy for you to do, is to communicate with this person and say:
"Hey. I am needing a solo night with no phone calls, no text messages, just a quiet night in so I can take care of my personal needs."
And the response that you may get with saying that and taking that action is really important because if they get defensive or if they are offended by that or they do not respect it in some way, that is very telling.
That's very telling that that person has maybe a lower EQ than you and [00:10:00] questioning,
"Wait a minute, I asked for something to take care of my needs. When that's not respected, is this really a relationship that I want to continue to invest in?"
What if you need scripting for this? No problem. You can either say or text:
"Hey, I really am enjoying this relationship. I value it, and I am needing some personal time tonight. I'm needing to have a quiet night with no interruptions so I can take care of my own needs, my self-care."
Set boundaries like this in a relationship, whether it's a new relationship or maybe it's been around for a while.
When you set these boundaries, you are taking care to take space and teaching the person [00:11:00] how to treat you and to respect your needs as well as theirs.
If they get angry or upset or give you a guilt trip or just straight up, don't respect the quiet night...
Maybe they show up. Maybe they text or call.
This is a huge red flag for you to pay attention to because there are little ways that people can cross your boundaries.
And maybe at the time you don't think of it as them crossing boundaries.
Maybe they have a really good excuse to not give you your quiet time, but this is in fact a huge red flag.
Fixation on relationships is not a weakness.
Us neurodivergent folks feel deeply.
We think deeply.
We have an intense want and need [00:12:00] to connect with other people.
And this can be absolutely beautiful and magical with the right people.
You deserve to be seen, heard, valued, and you deserve to be known.
If you notice that you find yourself giving more than you are receiving, check in with yourself.
Ask yourself how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you're needing.
Check in with your body.
Check in with your emotions and your mind.
Listen to your needs.
Remind yourself: a relationship shouldn't cost you.
It shouldn't cost you anything to have a relationship.
You are worth it.
I love you all.
Take care.
