When Kindness Hurts: Recognizing Red Flags in Neurodivergent Relationships
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Neuro Tribe, the podcast where authenticity meets empowerment. Your host, Theresa, is a certified business executive and life coach navigating the intricate tapestry of neurodiversity. She's someone blessed with a DHD and dyslexia and gifted a widow and a mother. To four incredible Neurodiverse children.
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I've had this conversation quite a few times recently and I have been thinking a lot about it over the last couple of years. I noticed this trend, myself included, that we are neurodivergent individuals and we are very kind, very empathetic. We maybe grew up in an environment where we were misunderstood.
And we have this ability to see the best in people. We see all of the gold and sparkly things about them. We really want to believe the best in humans, and we want to believe the best in humankind. And we maybe explain away all of the red [00:02:00] flags.
It could be that you were raised to believe that part of love is putting up with harsh words or things that don't really feel very well, or they're prickly, right? Maybe subtle put-downs, whether they're blatant or subtle.
It's really interesting because it's not all neurodivergent people, right? But there is this branch of neurodivergent people that we see the best in people and we kind of see the best in humanity and we can't imagine doing some of the things that we know happen in the world, but we ourselves can't imagine doing that or being part of it. What can happen is we miss certain cues or miss certain red flags that other people are giving off because we are so used to being misunderstood that we [00:03:00] assume that we're misunderstanding the red flags that we're seeing, or we're not putting them all together to see all of the red flags.
We're not seeing the whole picture. And so we just continue to love on people and trust people, and that can get us in trouble because then we get into a place where our own mental and emotional safety is not preserved.
I think even sometimes what we can do is we can question the red flags if they are even red flags. Having that time to be quiet and ask ourselves to trust ourselves. What am I feeling inside? What happened in that situation that I felt unsettled or I felt something didn't seem right? That clear indication that something is happening in our body or our mind is starting [00:04:00] to reel over and ruminate over a certain thing that happened or a situation that happened.
Taking that time to center ourselves and be quiet with ourselves and ask ourselves:
"Is that really a red flag?"
"Was I mentally or emotionally safe in that situation?"
Another really good thing to ask ourselves, and this is very real with us guys:
"Am I trying to fix this person?"
"Am I trying to teach this person what real love is, what loyalty is?"
"Am I trying to be there for this person at my own expense?"
Another question we can ask to really help ourselves understand if these are red flags, is asking ourself:
"is this person emotionally safe?"
"Are [00:05:00] they physically safe?"
"Do I feel that I can completely trust this person?"
Another thing that can be happening in situations like these is it could be a sense of internalized ableism or trauma. And asking ourselves:
"Was that situation as bad as I thought that it was?"
Or: "Am I being too sensitive in this situation?"
Maybe you grew up in an environment where you were told that you were too much or too sensitive and you internalize that as: "I have to put up with bad behavior. Or disrespected. Or manipulated because I am too sensitive." And you internalize that to question yourself and doubt your own judgment. So one thing that you can do in this [00:06:00] situation is validate your own feelings. Maybe I am being too sensitive in this situation. Is this all in my mind or is this really happening?
Asking yourself:
"Is this behavior okay with me?"
This can be grounding in, okay, this is the way I feel. Right. Whether I'm too sensitive or not too sensitive, right? This situation happened and this is how I feel about it, and this is what I think about it, and this is how I want to be treated, and this is how I don't want to be treated.
Taking yourself out of that internalized ableism and trauma response of really diving deep into what you are okay with, what behaviors you're okay with living with, and what you're not, no matter what the relationship is.
It could be that you have an empathetic blind spot, [00:07:00] that you feel a lot , you feel intensely.
It could be that this empathetic blind spot comes from trauma. Maybe it comes from your neuro- complexity and you're missing certain cues. It could be that you are seeing the potential of the person versus their patterned behavior.
Some of the red flags that you can look for is say you enjoy really being with someone and they're funny and you guys belly laugh together and you have a good time. But you notice they talk really badly about other people behind their back. This is a red flag because if they're talking about other people behind their back, they're most likely talking about you as well, and that is not a red flag that you want to miss.
It could be that you have a friend or a person that you're dating or a partner, and you notice that they always tend to be the [00:08:00] victim in their story. This is also notable, right? It could be that they are constantly the victim and they're never taking accountability for their own life, their own reality, and you might be their next villain. Who knows?
Another red flag to notice is if someone figures out a way to get around your boundaries or they dismiss your boundaries. It could be that they give you a really good reason why they can't honor your boundaries. The fact of the matter is this is a red flag because giving someone your boundary is in fact you saying:
"I care for you and trust you enough to tell you what is okay with me and what is not okay with me."
And if someone is not honoring your boundaries, they're in fact saying:
"I don't care enough about you to honor what is okay with you."
There [00:09:00] really is no excuse to not honor your boundaries. That is a serious red flag. I.
Some things that you can do to help yourself be able to spot red flags is ask yourself in different situations, in different relationships:
"Do I feel emotionally safe with this person?"
"Do I feel emotionally safe or physically safe in this relationship?"
"Do I trust this person to listen and honor my boundaries?"
" Can I be myself, fully, be myself around this person, or do I abandon myself, my thoughts, my beliefs, or who I am when I'm around this person?"
" Do I need to hide any part of who I am to be in this person's presence?"
If you've noticed that any of this rings true for you, there is [00:10:00] nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. You are absolutely, wonderfully beautiful in your empathetic neurodiversity.
You can be empathetic and caring and also learn to see all of the red flags and be true to who you are and give yourself the utmost love, trust, and respect and boundaries.
You deserve to be in relationships that you feel seen, heard, trusted, respected, feel safe and have reciprocity.
If this conversation rings true to you and you'd like to have more conversations like that, I would absolutely love to see you in the NeuroTribe.
Click the link below.
See you in there. Bye.
Hey friends, thank you so much for joining me today. If you got an aha moment. I would [00:11:00] absolutely love to hear from you. Please like, subscribe, comment, and share. If you want to be part of an amazing group of neurodivergent human beings and share some of the love and the magic in a community where you belong, that's safe and nonjudgmental, click the link below and join our neuro Tribe community today.
Love you all.
