[00:00:00] Hi, friends. Welcome back. I am so grateful to have all of my neuro tribe with me here today. We are going into the holidays and I am a sucker for the holidays. I love Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving dinner. I love Christmas. I love twinkly lights. I love Christmas movies. It is just part of who I am. I get very excited about the holidays and all of the yummy smells and everything that has to do with holidays.
So what I do with my kids and usually with my daughter every year, we will go to different craft stores and We will decide on a theme of what we're going to decorate the house with and we'll grab some things to decorate the house with or we'll make some things and we always have a [00:01:00] theme.
So one year it was winter wonderland, another year it was gingerbread house, another year it was candy themed, everything peppermint, another year it was farmhouse. This year, it's a lot of plaid. We have a lot of plaid going on in the house and it's just exciting. I love it. It's a bonding moment between me and my daughter.
And then when I. Decorate with the kids, we will turn on Christmas music, we'll have peppermint hot chocolate, and we will spend time decorating. And it's a lot of fun. Then we'll build a fire and watch the first Christmas movie of the season. And yes, I understand it is Thanksgiving time, it's November, but we will watch Christmas movies All November and December.
And it's awesome. So I am going to get into the meat of today and I'm on [00:02:00] this owning yourself kick and the subject that I'm going to talk about today, I very much, I'm going to break it up into different Scenarios in today's scenario, I'm going to be talking about owning yourself in relationship to your kids and your kids relationship and different things that can happen between parent or parents and children and some different approaches as of how we can own our own experience, our own feelings, our own actions, our own responses and behaviors.
And also the kids and teaching them how to take accountability and responsibility for themselves because I really feel that this is very important.
one of the techniques that I began to use and I teach my clients to use is when we are feeling [00:03:00] a feeling or an emotion when we are parenting, right? Is stopping first and just being aware of how am I feeling right now? What am I thinking right now? What I'm thinking, how is that kind of fanning the fire of how I am feeling, right?
And then asking myself, what is the result that I want here? What is the result that I'm looking for? Using the example of angry, right? Say XYZ happens, I feel angry. If I stay in the place of anger, the result is probably not going to be what I want for myself or my kids.
I am neurodivergent and all four of my kids are neurodivergent
Some of my kids have higher needs. Some of them very much have dysregulation and a lack of coping skills [00:04:00] and just kids in general don't have their prefrontal cortex Fully formed, fully developed, and then if you add something like ADHD or autism, that access to the prefrontal cortex is harder to access, and so a lot of big emotions, a lot of dysregulation can happen, and I'm going to be super honest, and if you need to fast forward through parts of what I say, That's okay.
But I am talking to the neurodivergent community and I am talking to neurodivergent parents. And so what I'm going to say, you guys are probably experiencing, most likely experiencing, and I'm hoping that this really helps you understand that you're not alone. Kids, when they have emotional volatility or they have A lot of dysregulation, it can [00:05:00] sometimes look like property damage.
It can look like throwing things. It can look like throwing themselves on the floor and flailing about. It's in some cases, from what I understand, because this actually happens in my house grief and emotional dysregulation can look like needing to have control By controlling their bodily functions.
And so that can be challenging to manage in a household. And it takes a lot for us parents to be able to pause and really think and consider, how do I want to show up here? What do I want my result to be here? Because if you have a kid that is so dysregulated. That they are using their body functions to feel like they have some control over [00:06:00] their regulation that takes a special kind of parent to be able to show up and set a good example for their child in a way that their child can feel safe to regulate themselves and learn a little bit more coping skills.
in a neurodivergent household with dysregulation, especially if there's yelling, if they're screaming, what I call crazy eyes, like you can see the child is not home anymore. They've completely checked out of their ability to be able to decision make and hear. Maybe some property damages happening.
Maybe there's some kicking or hitting or screaming or yelling, right? So with that, what we can experience as. a grown adult is we can experience our own fight or flight response. However, [00:07:00] we as an adult also have a fully formed prefrontal cortex. And so it is up to us to be able to learn the skills and be able to use tools in order for us to be able to take ourselves out of the fight or flight.
It is up to us to be able to remove ourselves from the situation until we can get back to parasympathetic and then we can then address our kids in a way where Not only are they scared because they are dysregulated and it's very scary for them, they don't have control over their dysregulation, it's almost as if they're looking at it from the outside in, right?
And there's this. huge fear of I am completely out of control and I don't know what to do about it. And as a parent, it is up to us to be able to come [00:08:00] and be that calm in the storm and help them learn to be able to take themselves out of the dysregulation and into a regular body state.
There are times when our kids can get dysregulated. And what is going on with them they are out of control and there usually is a lot of fear It looks maybe like anger It looks outwardly as if things are being thrown if, property is damaged. If swearing is happening, if flailing is happening. What they're experiencing is dysregulation and they at that time do not have control over it.
And a lot of parents, myself including, talk about the look that their kids have. I used to call it crazy eyes. There is panic [00:09:00] in their eyes and they're completely Not in touch with their prefrontal cortex What can happen, especially if the parent has experienced PTSD or trauma or CPTSD is the parent can then go into the fight or flight response.
One of the things that I have worked with myself and I teach my clients too, is being able to get ourselves out of that fight or flight response and back in the parasympathetic body. There are so many different ways that we can do that by deep breathing or a breathing exercise. I have many that I can pull from to teach, right?
Targeted stimming can really help planting your feet on the ground and pushing your toes into the ground. There are parents that try to stop their children when they're dysregulated [00:10:00] by bear holds or holding them down. And there are some cases if the child is going to injure themselves or seriously harm someone else, like a baby or something where keeping the child safe in that way is called for, but moreover, leaving is more powerful because that gives the child the ability to be able to calm down. Another thing that is so powerful is co regulation. Staying within the room, staying very calm, maybe getting on the floor and doing deep breathing or targeted stimming or doing some exercises that very much ground the parent in front of the child.
Because if the parent is also in fight or flight, it's two dysregulated bodies in one space. it really is up to the parents to [00:11:00] learn the tools to be able to regulate themselves and then help their child co regulate. I think that there is some magic in After the dysregulation has happened, having this connection time to talk with our kids about what they were experiencing, what the trigger was, what started it, what happened during the day what they were feeling, what they were experiencing, and really just giving the child a clean space to be able to talk about what was going on for them at the moment.
And then at the same time, the parents being able to have that communication with their children about what they were experiencing. I felt scared. When I felt scared, this is what was going on in my body. When I noticed this was going on in my [00:12:00] body, I started to feel Anger, sadness, hurt, whatever it is.
And when I felt this, I did this and this to be able to help myself with coping mechanisms to help myself calm down. And then I started thinking X, Y, Z. What this does is it teaches the child that there is ways that we can bring ourself out of dysregulation. There are tools that they can learn as they are growing.
It also teaches the child that you are their safe person and You're going to love them no matter what, even if they get dysregulated. And there's this unconditional love with open communication. And now there's a bridge of our stronger trust between parent or [00:13:00] parents and children having these conversations and having the parents and the children. Also talk about, okay this is what happened. What could we have done differently? What could you have done differently? What could I have done differently? And this was my part in this situation. And what was your part in this situation?
And that really not only is showing the child that The parent is able and willing to take accountability for their own feelings, their own actions, their own responses, and also it teaches the child to also take responsibility and accountability for their own actions, their own responses, their own feelings, and their own thoughts.
I very much notice in some kids, and it depends on wiring. It also depends on upbringing and also depends on the age, right? Because there are some [00:14:00] things that are developmentally or age appropriate, but what can happen is you can have kids that want to blame the things on the parent.
I did this because you did that. Or a parent gives a boundary or a thing that the child doesn't want to hear and then the child will go at the parent and tell the parent all of the things that the parent has done wrong in the past, all of the wrong choices, the fact that don't listen, they don't care.
they very much will like to Point out all the faults and flaws of the parent. If you have a teenager, this is very common. And then if you have a teenager and those younger children are watching the teenagers, you'll also see this pattern. What can completely defuse this situation is if a parent will say, you know what, you're [00:15:00] right, I have done that, and I own that, and I'm working on that, and I will continue to work on that.
It can completely throw a kid off if a child is throwing insults at the parent or shining light on all of the parent's faults or flaws and accusing the parent and the parent can say, you know what, I hear what you're saying. I completely hear you.
And you're right. I have done some of those things and I completely own those and I am and will continue to work on those. And also, I am listening to you. I will continue to listen to you and I will continue to gain more tools to be able to show up and help you. I also love you unconditionally. However, you want to say it in whatever words that you want to say it, this can completely diffuse a teen or a [00:16:00] child who is wanting to blame parent for all of the things and not taking their own responsibility or accountability for their own thoughts, their own responses, their own choices and behaviors, right?
when you have a child who does not accept any responsibility or accountability is Not putting any emotion into it, but simply saying, you know what? No, thank you. I don't accept that. I am not responsible for your behaviors. You are responsible for your behaviors. Let's talk about that.
Let's talk about how you got to that place. Let's talk about how you made that choice and what we can do differently next time.
when you continue to have a child who over and over again does not take accountability of themselves, talking to that kiddo and saying things in the calm, not in the heat of the [00:17:00] moment, but in the calm of having a heart to heart with them and saying, You know what, I hear that you quite often will make a choice and make a decision and do a thing and then it has consequences, but you don't take any part or responsibility in the choices that you're making.
The only way to be able to learn from your mistakes or learn from your decisions is to be able to own and accept your part in things and think about it. This is what I did. I apologize for this. I thought about it in this way, and this is what I'm going to do differently next time. This is how a person, when they show up in the world this way, they will be able to learn from their mistakes.
They will be a more [00:18:00] confident person. So you have to ask yourself, do you want to get the easy way out for the quick, I didn't do it, I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't know how that happened, I had no part in that, or it's your fault, or do you want to grow a steady, feeling of trust and self confidence by accepting your part in things and choosing to learn from it and make different decisions next time.
It's up to you. Another way that we can very clearly and kindly communicate with our children When they are wanting to place their feelings as a blame on the parent is no thank you. That is not mine. That is yours to have. I love you unconditionally, but I cannot make you angry. You can feel [00:19:00] angry. That is your right.
That is your choice. We can work with that. However, it's not me that made you angry. Also, as a parent, showing that as a parent. I feel angry right now. I am feeling angry because I am thinking this. I am feeling angry because my body is reacting to XYZ. This is my feeling to have and I need some time to process this.
So I'm going to go in my room for five minutes. I'll be right back. Also setting the example to the kids with this is how I'm feeling. This is what I'm thinking. I am reacting to this. I am needing some time to really process this.also A magical place for us to be able to, instead of react to stop and pause and think, [00:20:00] check in with our morals, check in with our values and respond in a way where we like how we are showing up. That is how we have a deep connection with our kids.
I think the topic I'm about to approach is unique in the fact that I don't know anybody else that talks about this. However, I think it's really important.
So what happens as ND parents, right? We are neurodivergent ourselves and we have kids and we experience and have dysregulation. I have had many coaching calls where I was coaching a parent about the deep guilt and shame over them getting dysregulated in front of their children. There's so many different ways where this can show up, whether it is sensory [00:21:00] needs are way too heightened and maybe there's some yelling or screaming or arm flapping or putting hands over ears. Maybe it's, yelling at the children, right? They've got dysregulated and they're yelling at the children and it feels like their skin is crawling on the inside and they blow up. And then the ruminating thoughts of, What did I do? Did I traumatize my children? Am I a good parent? I don't think I'm a good mom.
My kids are going to be needing therapy for the rest of their lives because of this. And it goes into a tailspin of all of the unhelpful questions and all of the things where they are really beating themselves up for having a moment or moments of dysregulation. [00:22:00] And what I kind of challenge parents in is, okay, so the thing happened, right?
You got dysregulated. You cannot go back and turn back time. And also there are times where Neurodivergent people get dysregulated. So how about we use this as an opportunity to actually have more connection with our children? How about we use this as an opportunity for having a teaching moment? you know, Child, whatever child's name is.
I apologize. I got dysregulated. This is what I was experiencing and feeling. You saw mom yell, you saw mom put hands over my ears and I want to talk to you. How did you feel in that moment? And I want to give you a clean space to be able to tell me what you were experiencing in that moment.
And also, I want to apologize that I was [00:23:00] dysregulated in front of you. And I hope that you understand that it's not your fault. It was something that I was experiencing. It was an internal struggle that I had and my dysregulation bubbled up in that moment. It can be that a parent owning their experiencing their feelings, their thoughts, their dysregulation, their coping mechanisms, their ability to put themselves back into parasympathetic can actually be almost more powerful than the fight itself or the argument itself or the yelling itself, right?
A child, having the experience of a parent coming to them and saying, you know what, I messed up and I'm sorry that friends is showing accountability and responsibility [00:24:00] for your actions and setting a good example for your kids. When we are really experiencing some big emotions, or when we are experiencing fight or flight, or when we notice that our body or our mind or emotions are reacting to something is being able to pause and check in with ourselves. Take a moment to breathe.
ask ourselves what is the result that I want here? How do I want to show up here? And how can I create this situation to find a deeper connection? All right, you guys, thank you so much for coming and listening or watching. I hope that you like, share, subscribe, and of course, Join our membership The Neuro Tribe.
We are launching [00:25:00] our membership here in a couple of weeks and I have a special going on for the first 10 people to join the membership. Links are in the show notes. You will get 50 percent off an entire year. What? Yes, friends! So click the link, come and join The Neuro Tribe, sign up You have a space where you can be free to be you. You can ask all of the questions, you can share your experiences, and you can get coached with people who get and understand your neurocomplex family, your own neurocomplexity.
I love you all. Take care. Bye bye. [00:26:00] [00:27:00] [00:28:00] [00:29:00] [00:30:00] [00:31:00] [00:32:00] [00:33:00] [00:34:00]
