[00:00:00] Welcome to the Neurotribe, the podcast where authenticity meets empowerment. Your host, Teresa, is a certified business executive and life coach navigating the intricate tapestry of neurodiversity. She's someone blessed with ADHD and dyslexia and gifted a widow and a mother to four incredible neurodiverse children.
So each episode of The Neuro Tribe is an intimate exploration of life, love, business, and parenting through the lens of neurodiversity. Subscribe to the Neuro Tribe on your favorite podcast platform or on YouTube and never miss a story. And if you really like this show, be sure to like, subscribe, rate, and of course, share the podcast with anyone who needs to hear it.
Join us on this unfiltered journey where no topic is too challenging, [00:01:00] no triumph too small. Let's unravel the layers of our community's experiences, embracing the struggles, celebrating the gifts, and finding empowerment and authenticity in every episode. And let's start right now.
Hey friends, welcome back. I am so grateful to have all of you here on the Neurotribe. We are having a beautiful fall day. It's interesting because every morning it's super cold and then we get the afternoon. And it's warm.
It's like pushing 80. So I kind of feel like we have to have two different outfits for the day. One for the morning and one for the afternoon. It's, fun Seattle weather. Anyway, so today we are going to talk about socialization. And there is kind of this question mark around, is there too much socialization? Is there not enough socialization? Last week we talked [00:02:00] about isolation and kind of the pros and the cons for that. So today I'm going to dive into the pros and cons of socialization
You might say things like this if you think that you might be over socializing, and so I'm going to give you some examples. All I want to do is go out. I don't know why, but it feels boring to just stay home and do nothing, so I'd rather go out. And it really doesn't matter. Who I go with or where I am as long as I'm out.
It doesn't matter if it's at a bar. It doesn't matter if it's at a club. It doesn't matter if it's at a friend's house. I just want to be out and with people.
You know, I've noticed that I've been drinking a lot more lately. For me, it just feels better to be around people than go home to a quiet house.
I don't know, there's just something about going out, getting dressed [00:03:00] up, going out, being around all of the lights, the loud music, all of the people, it's just very stimulating, it just suits me right now.
I like being social. It very much drives me. It gives me more fuel.
I was tired, but I felt like I had to go. I didn't want to, miss the important connections that I would have made there.
You know, I don't know. I was going to go home, but then I got asked happy hour and I couldn't pass that up. But the next thing I know it was 11 o'clock and I was really tired the next day. It wasn't a good decision.
So these are all different examples that I have had with different clients and different sessions. And some of these, instances, it might be that maybe you don't realize, but you're masking and camouflaging. And that could be that you're wanting to fit in. You're wanting to make connections. You're [00:04:00] wanting to have a group of friends.
You're wanting to feel like you belong. And the interesting thing is sometimes you very much feel like you belong. And then sometimes. Even though you're around people, you might still feel like you're the outsider of the group, like you're the second layer of the group, right? It can be that you are trying so hard to fit in, to have a group of friends, to feel like you belong, and so it's almost like you are fixated on getting this crew of people around you and this crew of friends. And It very much feels like it's fun and exhilarating and also a lot of work.
It could be that this is your special interest right now. It could be that your special interest is hyper focusing on relationships, on [00:05:00] connections, On social interactions, on interpersonal communication, there is something that you very much are wanting and needing and yearning to learn with this, these interactions.
It could be that you are seeking dopamine hits, and being around a lot of people, meeting new people, having engaging conversations, these are all gonna give that dopamine hit that release of reward feeling, right? It's very satisfying to be able to have. These great connections with people and also what can happen is you can lose track of time.
You can engage in lengthy conversations. Another thing is you could be, and I've seen this too. And this also goes with certain types of personality, but this need to almost compensate [00:06:00] for your social deficits. And what that very much looks like is when people talk about, the importance of who they know and their connections, right?
It's not necessarily that they don't have good connections. They might have good connections. I've also seen it when they don't have good connections. They do have a lot of people that they are, have networked with, but those connections don't. don't run deep. They're very superficial, but there's this importance about the connections, about having those connections that seems important to them, right?
And so it could be that networking and going out for all of these social situations is almost like it's a compensation for the lack of social Ability that they have, and they're working [00:07:00] towards compensating for that if that makes sense. So there can be this social anxiety based fear of missing out. You don't want to miss out on the conversations. You don't want to miss out on the stories that happened at the said thing. You don't want to miss the event because, because, because, right? It very much is an anxiety based don't want to miss out.
You really don't want to miss out of the things. You don't want to miss out of the people. The events, the social interactions, the stories, the things. It could very much be that you have a lack of impulse. There's this impulse control thing, right? You have a plan, you were supposed to go do this. You got asked, you said yes before even thinking about it.
And the next thing that you know, Maybe there's some consequences for doing the thing. [00:08:00] Maybe your partner got mad or maybe you stayed up too late and you are tired the whole next day. Or maybe you really needed to get this thing done for work or you needed to fill out this form for the kid the next day and you did the other thing instead and oops, now there's a consequence.
And You kind of did it without thinking, right? And you didn't really process it until after the consequence happened. It could be that you have some sensory seeking things, you like the loud noise, you like the hustle and bustle of people, you like the loud music, it could be that you're going to a bar where it's very stimulating and you can play games and it's loud and there's lots of people and you can mingle and and talk or you feel like you're around people that are all kind of in the same situation as you.
There's also this [00:09:00] other Aspect of over socializing and I've seen this a lot and I love you guys But it's the I don't want to feel the way I'm feeling right now So I am going to go and be around other people that also feel the same way I've heard this said probably 50 plus times in the last year at least of I'm miserable.
I've been miserable and I just, it's sometimes it's nice to be around other people that get it and they're miserable too. The only thing that I would say with this, I mean, there's lots of things that I would say with this, but, if you are miserable and you're feeling miserable and you're around other people that are miserable.
You are all going to swim in the same pot of misery. It's never going to help you really get out of that misery. And it [00:10:00] might feel like it's helping you get out of that misery at the time, at the moment. And hey, even if you're going out to bars and you're going out to clubs and even you meet somebody and then you feel a little bit less miserable.
The question is, if you are in a miserable state. state and you meet someone and you get together, is that going to be the healthiest relationship for you? I don't know. That's above my pay grade, but that is a question you might want to ask yourself, right? So I'm going to work my way backwards. If it's an impulse control and you are not thinking before you say yes, and you go out and do the socialization and you don't realize that you're going to have a consequence until later, That is when you start to have this beautiful pause moment where someone asks you, Hey, do you want to go get happy hour?
Or hey, after work, do you want to grab dinner? You pause [00:11:00] and you think to yourself, what do I have going on tonight? What do I have going on tomorrow? Is there something that I'm supposed to do before I go, right? This is going to take practice. It's not like, boom, I'm going to do it right away and I have learned because Teresa said on the neuro tribe podcast and there I go but Training yourself and teaching yourself to take that moment to pause before you go out Can be very beneficial to you long term FOMO if you are Experiencing FOMO, the question to yourself is, do you need to be part of every story?
Do you need to be at every event? And asking yourself, what is my energy level? What do I have going on? What is going on with my loved ones and my friends? Is it [00:12:00] more important for me to go to the event and be part of the things and the social people and be part of the stories and meet that person and that person or Is it more important for me to go and spend time with my loved one?
Is it more important for me to go let the dog out and feed the dog? Asking yourself and really being real honest with yourself of what is more important. I had this one client that always wanted to be out, always wanted to be networking, always wanted to be at the different events and going to the different things and realizing That there was time that they were missing with their children and their children were getting older and while they were very successful, they also missed, had a lot of gaps missing with their children and being able to slow down and really prioritize what's more [00:13:00] important.
Meeting this person, having this meeting, going to that event or spending some time with my kids is important, right? And being able to balance or figure out what events do I truly want to go to and also what other things do I want to do in my life that are also important to me.
Compensation for social deficits. This one really has a lot of work to do, simply because it means that there is also some communication components that, probably need to be addressed and this is also a bit of an anxiety based situation where forcing yourself to socialize or, making your social connections seem or appear more.
[00:14:00] importance. This is coming from a lack from within rather than a confidence from within. So there's a lot of different things to be worked on through this one, whether it's communication, whether it's, , finding deep, fulfilling relationships that are real in your life, or Finding that sense of confidence in yourself and fulfillment within yourself so then you are not basing your conversations to other people on who you know to make yourself appear better than how you perceive that you are and realizing that you are great just the way you are.
Dopamine hits. We are all guilty of it, right? Whether it's scrolling on the phone, eating some chocolate, having a social situation where it feels so rewarding to be around [00:15:00] people and have these deep connections, have the belly laughs, have the new connections, right?
Whatever it is. Now that doesn't mean that never going out because it's a dopamine hit is what I'm saying. What I am saying is if you are going out nightly or even more nights in the week than you are not, I'm just curious if you are actually looking for dopamine hits and if you are, that's something to be aware of, right?
Because then you can start researching what are other ways that you can get your dopamine hits? That doesn't mean don't go out at all. That doesn't mean don't go to the events and meet lots of people and have these rewarding conversations and these deep connections.
It does mean that in addition to being able to go out and have a dopamine hit by hanging out with friends [00:16:00] and having belly laughs or going to the event and meeting lots of people and having these deep, meaningful conversations. It also means you can get a dopamine hit by picking up a hobby that maybe you like.
I have a friend who just started ceramics. I personally like to draw and paint, right? It could be that you get a dopamine hit by just relaxing in front of the fire with a dog to be able to pet. That's one of my favorites I really like that on cold cozy nights such as we have in the fall. But there are lots of different ways to get dopamine hits.
So, really, if you notice that you are going out more socializing than not, it could be that you are looking for dopamine hits. and figuring out what other ways you can get dopamine hits so you don't eventually burn out. That's kind of where I'm [00:17:00] going there.
If this is your special interest or you're hyper focused on social situations, I think this one's kind of interesting because you can spend a lot of time kind of planning your social interactions and also, a lot of time analyzing the social situations after they've occurred. So this is expending a lot of energy going into it and then also after.
It could also mean or be that you are very much hyper focused on a person or a relationship. This also happens. And that's when you see someone go from zero to a hundred pretty fast, where you, see the skyrocket of the relationship or they go from meeting to seeing each other every single day and never missing a day of seeing each other or going from meeting to [00:18:00] moving in within a few months of each other.
I am not saying any of this is bad or wrong. I'm just saying that this could be a part of a hyper fixation in a relationship. And then if there is this special interest or hyper focus on social interactions, just asking yourself, what do you need here? Do you also need days off? Do you also need nights to recover or?
nights home alone or less sensory things, or maybe some nights are with a group of people and then some nights are just with one person, right? So asking yourself and being very clear with yourself of what is it that I'm looking for in this? And what is it that I'm needing in this? And is this going fast?
Is this too much? What else do I need to make this? whole, [00:19:00] rounded, and healthy.
Masking and camouflaging, usually a person doesn't really realize it until later. So this is something I think is something to investigate or ask yourself if maybe you've done this in the past. If you've been following me for a while, you probably have heard me talk about when I was in my 20s and I used to go out every single night.
And for me, there was more than one of these that I'm speaking of, that I very much did. I very much was masking and camouflaging. I was mimicking very much the people that I was around. I also felt like they had deeper connections to each other than I did, and I very much wanted to have those deep connections, but socially there was something that was different about [00:20:00] me.
That made it harder for me to have those deeper connections, but it very much felt good for me to be able to arrive in groups. I would arrive in groups, places, and quite often we would talk ahead of time and Maybe arrive, say, at a party and we would all be wearing bucket hats or we would all be wearing the same type of pants.
And to me that felt very good. But if you think about it, that very much is camouflaging and masking. took on the way these people talked. I very much was mimicking them, right? So this is something that you can think about maybe that you have done in the past And gain a different insight to it or look at it maybe a different way and, help yourself understand yourself a little bit more.
So again, asking yourself [00:21:00] if you're socializing is over socializing. And also asking yourself why maybe you would be over socializing. Because it could be a component of this is where you are at in life right now and this is what you're trying to learn right now. It could be that you have feelings that are going on that you're trying to avoid and therefore you're going out and socializing a lot.
Just being real with yourself about what is the reason and the cause for you to be over socializing and also being
honest with yourself of what your body is needing, what your mind is needing, what your emotions are needing, and see if there's a different balance that you are needing and looking for at this time. And if you see that you are over socializing and you are happy with that, then that [00:22:00] is good too.
If you kind of feel like some of this rings true for you, either now in the present or in the past and it's interesting to you, you can take this and think about it and ponder it and see what you make of it, what you come of it. Thank you so much. I love you all. Take care. Bye bye.
