Being everyone's ear, Gifted and 2E
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[00:00:00] We are going to talk about gifted and to E experiences as we have a tendency to be everyone's ear. People come to us and tell us all of the things they tell us, all of the drama, tell us all of the stories we seek advice from us.
Gifted and to E people are very much wired to have a very deep sense of emotional intelligence. And so this kind of naturally draws people to us and some of the things that we'll hear is it's just so easy to talk to you, or I can't believe I tell you so much, or, , I usually don't talk about these kinds of things with people.
Or, this is the first time I've met you, but I feel like I've known you before. Right. And the, this is just the way we were born and wired. And so there are ways that you can turn this into your [00:01:00] greatest strength. That's why a lot of us tend to go into psychology or coaching or social work of some sort.
What our experience is, is we have a tendency to be able to visualize what the other person is going through, , almost as if it's playing out in our mind. We can see. In pictures and images, as people are describing to us what they have gone through or what they are going through, we often can play the scenario out and visualize different ways to problem solve or come up to be able to help them in some way.
We can come up with different scenarios or solutions to be able to help them. And quite often we can think ahead as to, this is the situation going on, but five steps, 10 steps, 15 [00:02:00] steps a year, five years from now, this is what I can see, right. What we end up doing. Is we naturally want to help because we have this very deep sense of justice about us.
And we want to do the right thing and we want people to do the right thing. And we want to trust that people are good people and we want to see the best in people. And so what can end up happening is We find people who come back to us and come back to us and come back to us oftentimes with the same issues or the same problems, or they just kind of come to us as if we're their therapist.
We can expend a lot of energy and effort and time into being this person or these people's confidant,
what we will [00:03:00] do in addition to being able to, , visualize what the people are going through. We're also experiencing it inside our body. So we are. Feeling that pain. We are feeling the emotions. The other person is telling us we're feeling that heartbreak, the anger, whatever it is, we will feel it ourself and we often will manifest illnesses to what we are being told, when we are someone's confidant or when we continue to listen to somebody's struggles and heartaches, whether it's one person or several. What can happen if we don't know how to protect ourselves, put boundaries around ourselves and energetically, mentally, and emotionally put in safeguards, then what we will and can do is we [00:04:00] end up burning out.
We get tired, we get sick, we'll get a virus, we'll get this or that or the other. And it's just very exhausting.
What can happen is. We will have this tendency to give too much away, and this isn't done on purpose. It's not done in a fact of I'm not enough, so I'm going to try harder to be more for you. In some cases it can, but what will end up happening is we just have this really deep sense that we want to help and we want to help people, and so we'll end up trying really hard.
To help people. And in some cases, it's more and more and more and more. And the other person is not realizing how much they're taking, or in some cases, they do realize how much they're taking. And they're just that personality [00:05:00] type of take, take, take without giving. Right? So what the flip side of that is, is gifted or two E people can have this tendency to get frustrated.
They feel frustrated if they're having the same situation come to them. By the same person over and over and over again, and it never changes. It's just the same repeating cycle. And there's also this frustration. If there has been time and effort and energy spent to help this person or these people,
And they continue the same path, the feeling of frustration of why are you not doing things to help yourself get out of this situation.
We can be everyone else's ear, but then there are only a select few, or [00:06:00] maybe not any at all where they will give us that clean space for us to be able to come to them. And share all of our things. It's like, we are so used to being so strong and we are so used to being the rock that when we are vulnerable and we offer our vulnerability to the people, the loved ones, or the person that we have been there for, it can, Very much deeply hurt us and really build a resentment and distrust of that person
we are so used to being that rock, the strong person, the person that can do it all, manage it all, hold it all. And when we have no place to be vulnerable to other people, it can [00:07:00] be deeply harmful to us. And if we have people that we continue. To be there for, and they can't hold that space for us.
Eventually we will end up burning out of that relationship and not being able to trust that person anymore. And it could be weeks, it could be months. It could be years, usually with two E people, it tends to be years, but then once we decide that we're done, we're done. When you are gifted or to E, you have this tendency to take on things and take on things and more and more. And then what will happen is your schedule will be full and you will feel be feeling overwhelmed. And then you might have people coming to you and wanting to hang out with you or spend time with you or be with you.
And you don't have any more to give. [00:08:00] And so you'll express, I'm very busy right now. I can't get together right now, or I can't, I don't have that kind of time right now. Or, I have a bunch of projects going on and. I'll let you know when my schedule frees up or I have more time in my schedule.
And then what will happen is that person is so used to you giving them your attention and your heart and your love and energy. And they almost feel. Jolted, or they feel that you have hurt them in some way because you are too busy to be able to spend time with them. And that can be alarming to some of us because we're thinking, I'm always there for [00:09:00] you right now.
I just don't have it to be able to be there for you. And if I did, I would probably end up sick. So I, I just don't have it for you. Right. Or they'll try and grit through and push through and be there for that person. And. Then they themselves that the gifted or to eat person will end up paying the consequences.
Another really common thing that happens with gifted or to eat people is we can overcompensate and so people around us that are close to us are so used to us doing the things us, picking up the slack, doing the extra things,
And they're very much used to us powering through working hard, [00:10:00] coming up with solutions, solving problems. , they have this almost dependency on that. And so when we are not feeling well or burnt out. It can be that you have a partner who is very loving and understanding and holds that space for you.
It also can be that you have a partner that maybe almost blames you for your illness, or they are not taking it seriously that you're not feeling well, or that you're tired, or that you're overwhelmed. And it's almost like they Be little or, make it less than it is, and that can have this. Tendency to feel almost isolated in your experience.
What all of this does is it can lead to burnout and gifted burnout is a very real thing to E burnout is a very [00:11:00] real thing. And it can be that it's overwhelming fatigue, it can be, getting sick over and over , or getting a bigger illness, right? And so what I like to do with my clients in these instances is really help https: otter.
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Really take some time and decide what is okay with them and what is not okay with them. What are their perimeters of, their energy level, their amount of time that they spend helping people, the amount of energy that they expend for other people. And ask themselves, are they. peeper pleasing and are they giving, giving, giving too much and it's at their own expense, right?
Because it's, I'm going to say this [00:12:00] and I want to tell you all that I love you, but we really do treat people how to How to treat us. And if we have people in our lives that are constantly coming to us and telling us all of their things, and they are not able to listen to us or hold space to us. Then that is something that we need to hold boundaries around.
So it could be that you say something along the lines of, I listened to you and I listened to your story. I'd like to share mine now. And this can be a very subtle way of drawing a boundary. And if they still continue on with their stuff and their story and they, Interrupt you over and over again.
This is another time where you can say, I heard what you said. I would like to finish my story. If they cannot allow [00:13:00] you to finish your story or share what's going on in your life. That's when you can tell him, I, I'm really understanding. You're not interested in my story or what's going on in my life.
So maybe next time when we get together, I can start the conversation and then we can listen to you and what's going on in your life. And if you notice that this friend. or person just doesn't come around anymore, then you kind of have your answer. They really were a taker and you were giving, and when you wanted to create an equal, Friendship, partnership, relationship, and they slowly or quietly went away.
That gives you very clear understanding of what your relationship really is or was
Say is if someone. Is [00:14:00] coming to you and they have the same issue that they seem to keep coming back and back and back with the same thing over and over and over again. What you can say is, , I've heard you talk about this a number of times and I have given you advice and I have given you tools
. I'm just curious. Do you want help with it or are you just wanting me to listen? It could be that they're just wanting you to listen. It could be that they're actually wanting help with that.
If they respond back that they want help with the situation or the scenario, you can bring up the. Suggestions or solutions that you brought up in the past and ask them, do you want me to help execute those solutions or, , do you want me to work with you to help you with these solutions?
If you have that kind of energy and asking yourself [00:15:00] and being very clear with yourself, do you have this time? Do you have this energy to be able to give to this person to solve these problems or to be able to find solutions that they can then therefore help themselves with, right?
It's really healthy when we are honest with ourselves and we ask ourselves and we check in, we go internal and ask herself, how am I feeling right now? How, how busy am I? What does my schedule look like? And where's my overwhelm meter, right? And if we are reaching the point where We're reaching overwhelm.
It is okay to let people know, you know what? I, I actually, I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and being honest and transparent about where we are at. I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I want to be there for [00:16:00] you, but I can't be there for you right now because I am at my limit. However, I do want to be there for you.
So let's find a time where when I have had some more rest, I can circle pack and we can have a good conversation
We are, their rock, where their person, we spend a lot of time listening to them and being there for them and kind of giving them their, , your emotional shoulder. And you attempt or try to be vulnerable with them and they do not receive that. They do not hold that space for you communicating that and saying, , I.
Was really hoping that I could share with you what I'm going through. And so you can be there for me and giving them that [00:17:00] opportunity. It could be that they are so used to you being there for them that they're just in that cycle. And when you kind of reverse that, it might be confusing to them.
It could also be that they feel That them sharing their experience with you is their way to relate with you. And it really is up to you to uphold your boundaries and say, I hear what you're saying. I really like to get this out because I'm really feeling vulnerable here, or I'm really feeling overwhelmed or whatever it is.
The experience that you are having and letting them know and setting the stage right now. I just need to talk right.
If we are in or reaching burnout and we're, Getting sick over and over and over again, or our fatigue is going up and energy levels are going down. And we [00:18:00] have those of us around us that are not taking how we're feeling physically serious. This is for us to be able to seek out our own help.
And. Really listen to our own bodies
for some of you out there that are so used to go, go, go, go, go. And you are used to working very hard and doing all the things and taking care of the business and taking care of the family. And doing all of those things. And you have people that are in your life that are really not comprehending and understanding what you're feeling inside and how you are physically feeling if you're ill or reaching burnout or are in burnout.
And you feel this. Detached feeling from them. This is a time when we have the [00:19:00] option to really open up the lines of communication and say, I, I know, I get it. You are used to me doing.
All of the housework or you're used to me, working long days and, or you are used to me doing all of the kids schedule. I need to communicate with you. I need to let you know that I am not feeling well right now. And I would really. Love it. If you would listen to me and hear me and we could work together to figure out how we can tackle some of these things so I can get some of the things off of my plate so I can feel better.
If. You have people that continue to not take your health seriously, and they continue to almost give you a hard [00:20:00] time or not believe you it is you in your body, in your experience. And. It is okay to advocate for yourself, whether that means finding a coach or finding a therapist or finding a doctor or finding the right doctor.
It may be that you have stuff going on in your body and your regular PCP can't quite figure out what it is, right? . So listening to yourself and trusting yourself and advocating for yourself is in, and of itself a boundary, whether you're giving it to somebody else or whether you're giving it to yourself. And what I really like to talk to people about is what boundaries do you need to have on yourself, right? We think of [00:21:00] boundaries as boundaries for other people, but I want. You to start thinking about what boundaries do you need for yourself? Do you need a boundary that is maybe working only five hours in a day, or do you need a boundary that All weekend is not what the kids choose to do all weekend.
It is, you know, one day you do the fun things and another day you have rest is your boundary that you give yourself. You're feeling tired and maybe not 100%. So you give yourself an early bedtime for the next week, two weeks, month, whatever it is until you're getting back to your normal chirpy self is your boundary.
I will listen to this person and their problems or issues [00:22:00] only once a week or only once a month, right? Being really clear with yourself and, and checking in with yourself and what is okay for you to do and not do and upholding that for yourself so you can create that trust inside yourself is so important.
That connection inside is so important.
Love you all. Thank you so much. Take care. Have a wonderful day. Bye bye.
