I Want to Love Myself: But I Don't Want to become a Narcissist
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Neuro Tribe, the podcast where authenticity meets empowerment. Your host, Teresa, is a certified business executive and life coach, navigating the intricate tapestry of neurodiversity. She's someone blessed with ADHD and dyslexia, and gifted a widow and a mother. To four incredible Neurodiverse children.
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Join us on this unfiltered journey where no topic is too challenging, [00:01:00] no triumph too small. Let's unravel the layers of our community's experiences, embracing the struggles, celebrating the gifts, and finding empowerment and authenticity in every episode. And let's start right now.
βhey friends. Welcome back. It is spring in the greater Seattle area. And that means it's allergy season. I know all of you out there that have allergies can totally feel me on that. So we're going to go with our episode today. If you hear my voice change a little bit, this is the reason why. I think the topic today is really interesting one of the things that I have noticed is this fear. That if I love myself, I don't want to become a narcissist. And look friends.
I'm going to set it straight [00:02:00] right now. Narcissist does not love themselves. And so if you love yourself, you cannot be a narcissist. There's a conflict of interest here. So before I get into the meat and potatoes of giving you tools, I actually want to go over some traits that a narcissist has. So one thing. If you were genuinely afraid of being a narcissist, and if you are, I would say, go and get help.
Find a therapist, a psychiatrist. And definitely seek out a diagnosis. If this is what you feel like you're working with. There's also, this other element is a lot of people that have been through a lot of abuse or a lot of trauma. And they are with around or with someone that is gaslighting them a lot. [00:03:00]
It can be very confusing. They can think thoughts am I crazy? And am I a narcissist? I am going to give you very specific ideas of what a narcissist is. Narcissist. He has this really grand self importance. They really want to appear to the people around them to society, to people at work to their friends, that they are this grand person that this very important person, they know very important people.
They usually pick partners that they want. When they walk into a room, they want everyone to notice them. They want to be the one that other people want to be right. They focus on a lot on what society thinks of them and how society views on them. They [00:04:00] can. Explore superficial relationships, right? It's like they want to appear to have this very deep, loving relationship.
They want to appear like they are the grand couple. Behind the scenes though, behind closed doors. It's very superficial. It's more like. Buying them lots of gifts, and also not being able to genuinely connect with that person. It's telling everybody at work and everybody that, all your friends, how much you love your partner. But then when you get home, you completely ignore your partner. So again, the society sees something that's completely different than behind closed doors. Okay. So the other thing is a narcissist will have this lack of empathy. [00:05:00] They will often say things like, I just don't understand your emotions, or I can't understand where you're coming from, because you're talking about your emotions or you're talking about your feelings.
And I really can't relate to that.
Another way the narcissist will express this is. I have to deal with your emotions. Or I have to deal with their emotions. It's more like you're off-put by other people's emotions.
Narcissist has a very fragile sense of self. So if they're questioned or they feel like they look bad, they will either shy away from they'll disappear or they'll go for blood. One or the other, and I'm laughing. It's not funny, but this is very true, right? Narcissist also has attachment issues and dependency issues. [00:06:00] So when they're falling in love, it's almost like the person that they are loved bombing. It's almost as if they're addicted to the person they are very attached to the person
and if they feel like they're not getting enough compliments, or they're not getting their self-esteem boosted, that's when they can often get bored and maybe turn their head, look another way. Or they just go through a phase where they're unresponsive or they ghost do for a while, but then they realize, oh wait, I really liked all of that attention.
And they'll usually pop back up and that's when they start love, bombing you again. But really it's just the narcissist doing what narcissists do. Narcissists often have a chronic emptiness and a chronic boredom, right?
So they feel very unfulfilled in their [00:07:00] life and they can get bored with people very easy. They also feel like they yearn for this connection with other people and always desire that connection with other people. But they really feel very empty inside. Narcissist has a really hard time with transitions. , a life transition can feel very empty.
They can often talk about this transition. Being. Undesirable. They can't wait to get out of it. They're very uncomfortable with transitions in life.
They all also will be very jealous of other people's success. Even if they are successful themselves, if they, other people being successful, they often will want that. Or they feel like they deserve that in some way, even if they haven't earned it. And. Narcissists really have a hard [00:08:00] time with any kind of self-reflection. You can try and try and try and try and teach the narcissists self-reflection.
But when challenged, they actually are not capable of doing it. And they're really not interested in doing it to begin with. So if you are engaging with a narcissist whatsoever, if you're wanting to explain or. You're wanting them to get them to see your side of things.
It's just not going to happen. They're just not interested. They will legitimately get bored. They won't read your text message. They won't read your email. They'll often tune out when you're trying to. Get them to think about maybe their side and things. And then they will turn it around and really make it your fault.
So they do not self-reflect they also do not take accountability of themselves, so they will not apologize. They will explain a way [00:09:00] if they do apologize. It's like it's a fake apology and they'll usually ignore you or do something undesirable after they apologize. Almost as if they are punishing you for. Them having to self-reflect and apologize. So these are some things that are traits of a narcissist. Now. When you, when it comes to loving yourself, And very genuinely loving yourself.
You feel very connected inside. You feel full, you feel whole, you feel at peace, you feel joy. You're able to love yourself and you're able to love other people. You trust yourself to have your own back and you trust yourself to be able to feel any emotion. And [00:10:00] go through anything in life. You have very strong. firm boundaries. You love yourself enough to know what is okay with you and what is not okay with you. So therefore you're able to tell people with love and kindness. Yeah, I had not.
Okay with you speaking neat to me that way. No. Thank you. This is what is okay with me. This is what is not okay with me.
I love and trust myself. To really uphold what is okay with me and what is not. So those are boundaries. Another technique. I really found very helpful when learning to love myself is I believe it's from Louise Hay
Looking in the mirror, staring directly at. Your eyes in the mirror. And saying, I love you. [00:11:00]
Now when you first begin this, it might be. I feel absolutely silly. You might laugh. You might have a hard time looking at yourself in the eyes. But keep at it, keep practicing and keep telling yourself I love you sooner or later, whether it takes a month, six months, a year or several years, you will start to believe yourself.
Another thing that I think is a very powerful tool.
And I genuinely do not remember where I heard this one from, but I have practiced this myself because as you all know, I am neuro divergent. And what people don't know is I used to have body dysmorphia. And so no matter what, I looked in the mirror and I genuinely did not like what I saw. I could not find anything that I liked about myself.
And so I put this practice into play and [00:12:00] it took me quite a while that is standing in the mirror, completely naked, like nothing on and standing in a full length mirror and just staring at yourself. Now what I would do is I would stand in the mirror. I would stare at myself. The first part of looking for a long time, it was all of the negative self-talk.
It was just being aware that this is what my brain is offering and I would just let my brain have at it. And go and I'm not, it did not feel good at first. I'm not going to lie. But once I was able to get all of the EC out and all of the brain. Icky out. And I was able to just stare in the mirror and just be okay with everything that my body had to offer. I really started to be able [00:13:00] to find things about myself that I liked. The more that I did it, the more I felt good in my body, the more I felt comfortable in my body. And also the more confidence that I have gained.
All right. I come to a place of genuinely loving myself is being completely clear on what my priorities are. And I do revisit my priorities every three to six months because they do change depending on what's going on in life. I have a very clear and distinct understanding of what my priorities are. The other thing that I. No all the time.
And they don't really change is my value code, my morals and value code. And I have my top five that I have at the ready at all times. And so if I ever get [00:14:00] presented with something that doesn't feel right, I will instantly go to my value code. And check in there. And then that helps me make a lot of decisions and I feel good when I am able to make decisions and feel good about my decisions.
Another very powerful thing that I have done is really understanding my strengths. So as a neurodivergent individual, I understand my strengths and gifts that I was born with, so I have done all kinds of strength, finder and personality tests and all of the things.
And I really focus on and build on my strengths. And this also would be helpful for you.
I also have taken time and continue to do, make a list of the things that I like about myself. Sometimes this can [00:15:00] be hard. I now can tell you probably 50 things I like about myself, but I also focus on those things.
I am focusing on what I want more of. I am not focusing on the themes that I don't want.
Okay. I list things that I'm good at. Especially being a business owner, especially being a mom and a widow of four. It is really important for me to focus on the things that I'm good at. And I either hire out or I delegate the things that I'm not good at. When I find myself focusing on the more positive things, the good things that I offer. I am more ready and present and open to be able to deliver those good things.
Like it could be giving my kids a hug. If I'm focusing about how good I am at hugging my kids. That hug is going to feel so connected and so magical for both me and [00:16:00] whichever one of my children, I am hugging at the moment. This one is really important. And I have done videos and I have done podcasts on the BOTS. And if you have not gone and listened to the bots, videos or podcasts, I genuinely feel like it would be a good time for you to go back and really listen to them. I will, and I can just sit and be okay with all of my thoughts. And it could be for five minutes. It could be for five hours. I genuinely am totally fine and totally okay.
With just sitting and being present and being aware of all of my thoughts. When I very first began this work. It was almost like I was grossed out about being aware of my thoughts because I really [00:17:00] didn't. Understand why I wasn't feeling good.
Why I felt insecure. Y I was having so much social anxiety and just anxiety in general and really tracking and tracing my thoughts. And choosing my thoughts with intention and being curious about my thoughts. I was so empowering. Yeah. And I think my greatest gift that I can give any one of my clients is to be unapologetically. Empowered successful and authentic. And all of these things take time and it takes practice.
So I definitely say that. Reach out to me. Find me on theresaminnoch.com. That's T H E R E S a M I N O C h.com. Or you [00:18:00] can find me on any one of my socials. I'm on LinkedIn, I am on Facebook is the neuro-diverse life. Coach. Instagram is the neuro-diverse life coach. I really can go through and work on all of these things with you.
So you can genuinely fall in love with yourself and feel authentically confident and not worry. About if that means you're becoming a narcissist. I love you all take care. Bye. Bye.
